12.02.05

This has been a long time coming.
This has been started, deleted, started again, deemed too cheesy, deleted, forgotten, remembered, neglected.
Recently, I went through something hard. A few somethings hard.
Draining.
Hurtful.
Heartbreaking.
Deceptive.
Stressful.
Trying.

The path that I walk isn't free of diversions, and sometimes I take them, walking with eyes closed and hands reaching out in the darkness of ignorance for something I know I can't touch.
But the path I walk isn't without soul. It comes after me, like a mother after a toddler who's tottled away to the left a little too far, and hauls me back. Scolds me like a loving mother, teaches hard lessons if I don't listen at first, but always brings me back to where my feet are supposed to be.
A place where my eyes open and I see, truly see, where my happiness is.
In me. Always, in me.
And there I have peace. The world can fall apart, and I know my legs will keep me up. I know my instinct will guide me, if I feed it and listen to its wisdom.
I can't say I always listen to that wisdom.
I deny it, I shut it down, I walk away from it, convincing myself that things aren't that way, that things will change, he will change, he will love me.

Instinct, being what it is, will start to manifest itself physically, if I shut my ears and eyes for too long.
I start getting cold after cold, moves on to a flu, pnemonia, bronchitus, infection after infection, eye twitches, leg twitches, insomnia. Inability to create anything. Inability to think straight.

When I listen, no matter how hard the lesson is, once I listen and act on what I know to be true, this all vanishes.
A deep peace comes over me from within, and I can breathe again.
I'll sleep for days after this. Purging my physical body of the strains of ignoring instinct.
I come out on the other side glowing. Renewed.

I started this for the purpose of remembering my path. Knowing that I'm not the only one on it, as is told by searching anywhere online for "women who run with the wolves" groups.
This book changed my reality. Changed the way I saw the world, saw myself.
I started on the path of respecting myself, my true self, my tantric wolf.
The more I listen, the better my life becomes.
So pardon me while I put my ear to the ground, and try to listen my way out of the next week.
All my stresses are about to come to a head.
And it's all I can do to raise my head, and keep howling.
Not because of the strife.
Despite it.